So what do you do when you realize that your life is no longer what it once was? You have options, like them or leave them, they are there. I don't want to accept defeat. I truly don't even understand how one goes about that...it just isn't in me. I don't want to run away from my problems and wait while all the other people in the world should somehow fix it. I want my life repaired. I want the things that once were good to be good again. That is where the problems begin. Mental illness can make you crazy. Then, dealing with the medication changes, the side effects, the ups and downs from tiny things that to them are mammoth, etc. It truly is enough to make you crazy, even though you aren't the sick one. Next is the truly unbearable part...damage control. In the midst of everything else going on you must protect them from the things in life that are too hard for them, protect other people from the bad times, try to make it better when you can't protect others (which isn't easy with kids), take care of them without them always noticing you are playing nursemaid, try to give them room to move and some responsibility while constantly watching from a distance because you can't really let them do things alone... I want to scream. Some days I want to hit something. Other days I actually just want to get the kids in the car, go somewhere, and pretend that I'm not terrified of him being home alone for 30 entire minutes... I'm grateful he hasn't gone back to the hospital in a couple months. I'm relieved that so far the latest med is helping, but wish the side effects didn't change who he is. It's funny, so many versions of the same person in the last year or so, but none of them did I marry...none are the father of my children...but I'm supposed to treat him as such. Most days I just don't know what to do with this, so I carry on and silently mourn what I lost...hoping that one day I see it again.
