Caged

Have you ever felt wild inside your own head? So ready and waiting, so anxious and restless that your mind whirls.

Feet gingerly land , endlessly....Toes come to meet cool tile, kissing...Soft pit pat sounds whisper, singing...Restlessness gnawing, waiting...You pace the floor praying your traveling feet will carry your mind away to another place to no avail. Intelligence struggles and looses the daunting task of grasping tangled thoughts. Like snakes writhing in a mating ball, your thoughts twist, coil, and slither through the cracks.

A piece of you calls out into the cold like a wolf to it's pack, while the rest lies unaware. It knows not what or to who it calls, and it cares nothing for who hears it's cry. There is simply the desperate wait...for an answer. And so as a tiger to it's cage, you pace, glaring through the bars.

Today

Some days you almost forget how to feel. You forget for a moment that you are pushing everything down, holding it in, keeping it together so that somebody else can fall apart. It isn't your turn yet, and somehow a glimmer in time catches you off guard and you forget that...and it slips. That tight, clenching grip on every ounce of what's within you gushes up in a single beat of your heart...it feels as though it might stop beating. Your stomach flips, then disappears all together. Every inch of your body turns hot and flush. This thing suddenly fills your throat, feeling as if some man has just grabbed you against a wall. You can't shake him, can't pull far enough away, can't turn far enough... The tears tumbling down your face feel like candle wax, as if they could blister your delicate cheeks. Tears...tears are actually falling down your face. They cool slightly as they roll over porcelain skin. They land upon your shirt and you see their soon to fade tint darkening the fabric, snapping you back. Wiping feverishly and sniffling a bit as you slow your breathing you glance around looking for a hint of what to do now...but nothing. Uncertain and unsure you rise to your feet and simply go.

Life can be a traveling madhouse. There is always somebody trying to shoves something down your throat. Then you have to deal with the one who doesn't believe you and checks you up and down to make sure you did as said. Constantly throughout your days you are passed by ghosts reminding of where you are or what is happening. You distract yourself, you busy yourself, or maybe you hide and avoid it all. Then comes the challenge...the one who tries to fix you without a clue of what is wrong with you...there's the rub. A problem solver who can't solve problems. I personally prefer to busy myself. I readily admit to having some deeply rooted issues with needing to feel some sense of accomplishment or control of a positive event in my day. If I hide, I can't make something good happen. If I keep working and working, eventually there has to be at least one decent thing come of my day...even if it turns into a twenty hour day.